Family Life Stories

Does your teenage son spend a lot of time in his room? Is your daughter moody but won’t tell you what’s bothering her? This morning, I appeared on Boston’s Fox Morning News to discuss the difference between adolescent independence and concerns about emotional health. Take a look.

One of my fondest memories in living this literary life involves this essay.  Originally written for The Writers’ Group blog, it was posted on a Thursday morning, and I was offered a contract for LIFE WITHOUT SUMMER the very next day.  Today is the paperback release day for the novel. I hope you will read and enjoy!

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“Are you nervous?” the interviewer asked. “Of course, I’m nervous. Anyone who isn’t should quit this business and go sell shoes. You have to care,” she said.

I was just passing through the family room, clutching Water for Elephants and Beloved and to my chest, on my way to read in bed, when I overheard Sally Field’s chirpy voice, her words danced off the red carpet and lodged in my ears.

And in my heart.

Exactly right, I thought. If you care, it’s a given you’d be nervous about the world’s impression of your work.  You’re anxious when you’ve finished revisions on your novel, or your book proposal, and submitted your work to your cherished agent. You want her to love your words as much as you do. And it makes complete sense that you’d have an instant panic attack when a dear friend, whose work you adore, tells you her work is out on submission too.

You feel, because you care.

Whether you’re new to writing or a veteran, there will be days when exquisite words appear on the page, with little effort your thoughts coalesce to create beautiful sentences and paragraphs. You’ll love the feeling, no doubt. Other days, you’ll be stuck. You’ll chastise yourself for your bland setting, cliché characters, and your lack of stakes and tension. You’ll wonder how anyone will care about this story, if you can’t manage to.

With that bum day behind you, you’ll begin anew. Because you’re a writer and you write. The next day, or the next, you’ll work out the kinks. You’ll discover your character’s wants and needs, and with every quirky personality trait visible, you’ll like them, you’ll really like them.

You’ve started to care.

The cycle will continue until you care so much it hurts. You’ll worry like a mother sending her child off to college. Will other people like your darling? Will they cherish her, flaws and all–the way you do?

When your pages finally venture forth, you’ll wonder how they’re doing. Are they sitting high on that dreaded pile, catching the late summer rays? Or have they been placed haphazardly on a conference room table, vulnerable to coffee spills. Or worse, are they choking in their fed ex envelope?

Since you can’t stop thinking about this extension of you, you’ll force yourself to imagine a better day. The day when a smart, savvy editor dips into your prose, and is captured by your voice. And because you’ve cared so much, she cares. She clutches your book to her breast and she dashes out to share her find with other editors. She’ll dismiss her plan to leave early to shop for shoes; she can buy those tomorrow.

Today she needs to buy a book.

I’ve been a nurse and mother–a pro at caretaking–for more than twenty years, so when I came across Dixie Fremont-Smith Coskie’s family life story, it resonated deeply.

After her son was injured in a bicycle accident and she became his primary caregiver, Dixie began a physical struggle of her own.

“More than 65 million people — nearly a third of the U.S. population, provide care for a friend or family member during any given year, according to the National Family Caregivers Association.” And as happened to Dixie, caregiving can actually make you sick.

“…researchers believe depression and chronically high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, both of which often accompany caregiving, take a toll on the body’s immune and cardiovascular systems.”

There are plenty of resources available to support you if you are in a stressful caregiving situation. Whether you’re caring for a family member with cancer or someone you love struggles with mental illness, help is out there.

Taking care of yourself is critical in order for you to be there for your family member or friend, so adopt as many of these healthy habits as you can.

~ Make sleep and healthy nutrition regular habits

~ Find respite in the form of breaks from providing care or in short bursts of time off.

~ Manage your negative feelings and find productive outlets for stress.

~ Get professional help through counseling, support groups, or even online chats with others who know what your going through.

Care for the caregiver is as important as care for the sick.  Take care.

I came upon this simply yet lovely essay by psychiatrist Elissa Ely. Read and share.  And stay awake to the generous offers of humanity that come from children.

“These naked, beautiful offers are unpredictable, which is human nature all over for you. You’ve got to be alert to abrupt possibility. If you aren’t sharp, you can step right over one without noticing.”