Family Life Stories

A week from now, my second novel SEA ESCAPE will be published.  Inspired by my own mother-daughter relationship, and letters my father wrote to her in the early days of their romance, the novel is an imagined story about the ties that bind mothers and daughters.

Certainly I’m focused on this most primal of relationships, yet it seems everything I read lately explores the fine strong thread between mothers and daughters.

I just finished reading  THE HAND THAT FIRST HELD MINE by Maggie O’Farrell and I can’t stop thinking about it.  It’s a tender, moving, and intriguing story about what it means to be a mother, and the psychological unraveling that comes as a result of being estranged.

Then this morning, I came across this beautiful essay, written by Laura Zigman, author of ANIMAL HUSBANDRY, about the last days of her mother’s life.  I wept when I read, “stripped of her toughness and her defenses — of everything that had made her who she was, so impossible to know — she was finally the mother I’d always wanted: the kind whose face lit up the moment she saw me.”

If these reflective pieces have you hungry for more on the ins and outs of the mother-daughter relationship from a psychological perspective,  check out this article, Our Mothers–Ourselves.

Forty-plus writers—who met online—have banded together to share books with book club readers.  Those participating bridge the commercial-literary divide, among them National Book Award Winner, Julia Glass; Oprah Pick, A. Manette Ansay; and New York Times bestseller, Marisa de los Santos.

From edgy short stories to upmarket fiction to beach reads, book club members will have a wide variety from which to read and discuss.  Book club winners can claim titles deemed Target Breakout Books, Borders Original Voices, Indie Next List picks, PEN-LL Winship, Guggenheim, and Whiting Award winners.

Go to author Leah Stewart’s facebook page to enter.  And check out this amazing list of authors and their books.

Sea Escape, by me
Follow me on twitter @lynne_griffin
Friend me on facebook, http://www.facebook.com/LynneGriffin

Husband and Wife, by Leah Stewart
http://www.leahstewart.com/

The House on Fortune Street, by Margot Livesey
http://www.margotlivesey.com/

I See You Everywhere, by Julia Glass

Love in Mid Air, by Kim Wright
http://www.loveinmidair.com/

Diamond Ruby, by Joseph Wallace
http://www.josephwallace.com/

Belong to Me, by Marisa de los Santos
http://www.marisadelossantos.com/

Pictures of You, by Caroline Leavitt
http://www.carolineleavitt.com/

Good Things I Wish You, by A. Manette Ansay
http://www.amanetteansay.com/

The Seamstress of Hollywood Boulevard, by Erin McGraw
http://www.erinmcgraw.com/

Girl Trouble, by Holly Goddard Jones
http://www.hollygoddardjones.com/

Tunneling to the Center of the Earth, by Kevin Wilson
http://www.wilsonkevin.com

Miles from Nowhere, by Nami Mun
http://milesfromnowherethenovel.wordpress.com/bio/

The Nobodies Album, by Carolyn Parkhurst
http://www.carolynparkhurst.com/

Red Hook Road, by Ayelet Waldman
http://www.ayeletwaldman.com/

The One That I Want, by Allison Winn Scotch
http://www.allisonwinn.com/

Disaster Preparedness, by Heather Havrilesky
http://www.salon.com/entertainment/tv/heather_havrilesky/index.html

Stiltsville, by Susanna Daniel
http://www.susannadaniel.com/

My American Unhappiness, by Dean Bakopoulos
http://www.deanbakopoulos.com/index.html

Real Life & Liars, by Kristina Riggle
http://www.kristinariggle.net/

The First Husband, by Laura Dave
http://www.lauradave.com/

The Local News, by Miriam Gershow
http://www.miriamgershow.com/

Good Enough to Eat, by Stacey Ballis
http://www.thepolymathchronicles.blogspot.com/

Refresh, Refresh, by Benjamin Percy
http://www.benjaminpercy.com/

How to Sleep Alone in a King-Sized Bed, by Theo Nestor
http://www.theopaulinenestor.com/

The Truth About Delilah Blue, by Tish Cohen

A Maze of Grace, by Trish Ryan
http://www.trishryanonline.com/

The Love Goddess’s Cooking School, by Melissa Senate
http://www.melissasenate.com/

The Embers, by Hyatt Bass
http://www.hyattbass.com/

The Fury & The Darkness by Jason Pinter
http://www.jasonpinter.com/

The Last Will of Moira Leahy, by Therese Walsh
http://theresewalsh.com/

Life After Yes, by Aidan Donnelley Rowley
http://ivyleagueinsecurities.com/

Not Ready for Mom Jeans, by Maureen Lipinski
http://www.maureenlipinski.com/

After You, by Julie Buxbaum
http://www.juliebuxbaum.com/blog/

The Lost Girls, by Amanda Pressner, Holly Corbett, & Jennifer Baggett
http://www.lostgirlsworld.com/

Exley, by Brock Clarke
http://arsonistsguide.com/author-blog

The Seven Year Switch, by Claire Cook
http://www.ClaireCook.com/

Stay, by Allie Larkin
http://www.AllieLarkinWrites.com/

Pieces of Happily Ever After, by Irene Zutell
http://www.irenezutell.com/

Pug Hill, by Alison Pace
http://www.alisonpace.com/

The Opposite of Me, Sarah Pekkanen
http://www.sarahpekkanen.com/

The Transformation of Things, by Jillian Cantor
http://www.jilliancantor.com/

Out of the Shadows, by Joanne Rendell
http://www.joannerendell.com/

Love Stories in This Town, by Amanda Eyre Ward
http://www.amandaward.com/

Trophy, by Michael Griffith

Tethered, by Amy MacKinnon
http://www.amymackinnon.com/

The Language of Light, by Meg Waite Clayton
http://www.megwaiteclayton.com/

Miss Me When I’m Gone, by Philip Stephens
http://www.philipstephensauthor.com/

Maybe you’ve heard that nearly 50% of American marriages end in divorce,  but that doesn’t tell the whole story.  According to DivorceRate.org, the rate for first marriages is 41%, and for third marriages, 74%.  The riskiest age to say I do is between 20-24 years of age. (divorce rate ~37 %) Your best bet for longevity? Marry after 35. (divorce rate ~ 6%)

The problem with any of these numbers is that they don’t give you a glimpse inside  relationships, a chance to explore the emotions behind the struggle to save a partnership or dissolve one.

Self-help books can do that.  Even fiction can.  So make room for reading this weekend, and check out my recommendations related to this topic.  I’ve even included a children’s book aimed at helping younger kids understand.

Nonfiction

Contemplating Divorce: A step-by-step guide to deciding whether to stay or go by Susan Pease Gadoua is exactly that.  Without bias toward or against the option of divorce, this book includes helpful tools to guide you to the right decision.

What About The Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein is a book I recommend again and again to parents considering, or working through, the impact of divorce on children.

Fiction

Though I’m not opposed to divorce in some cases,  I do admit to having a hard time finding sympathetic protagonists dealing with divorce, especially characters who cheat.  That said, my first selection, given to me by my wonderful agent, surprised me.

Love in Mid Air by Kim Wright offers fresh perspective on a woman unhappy in her marriage, contemplating an affair.  What made this novel sing, was Wright’s ability to capture the complex emotions of her major character, Elyse.  The slights and hurts that have accumulated over the years of her long married life, make it near impossible for Elyse to stay.  But whether she should leave is another question.

Husband and Wife is the latest by Leah Stewart, author of the terrific book about friendship called, The Myth of You and Me.  This new novel takes a look at a relationship shattered by infidelity, and the emotional struggle in it’s aftermath.  Publishers Weekly says, “Stewart’s graceful prose and easy storytelling pull the reader into caring about what happens to the struggling heroine while exploring the many gray areas of life and marriage.”

For Children

Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for changing families is author/illustrator Marc Brown at his best.  There’s nothing better than a book that opens the lines of communication between parents and little ones, assuring children things will be alright.  Ages 4-8

Read and share this lovely tribute–a poignant essay–written by Lauren Falcone from The Boston Herald.

The picture ran in the Times of London this week, a grainy black-and-white photo of French President Charles de Gaulle and his daughter Anne taken in 1933 at the beach in Brittany, France…

The image strikes me for two reasons: Anne had Down syndrome. So does my daughter, Lucy…

Duel entertainment systems in mini-vans.  Parents texting while sitting on a playground bench. Talking on a cell phone during dinner.  These and other techno-intrusions effect parenting. Take a look at Claudia Gold’s op-ed in today’s Boston Globe where she describes the research to support this new child development concern.

It may not be popular to call parents out on their shifting  focus– off of their infants, children, and teens and on to laptops and iphone apps–but here I go.  While studies show parents and children spending more time together than in years past, the average time is still quite low.  With averages ranging from 7-14 hours per week, 1-2 hours per day, the main goal of active parenting time must be to connect with kids, not with the Internet.

Success in relationships, in school, and with friends, is directly related to early brain development.  The love connection formed between parent and child is everything–and it comes through engaged communication.

Are you convinced yet, to put down the phone and pick up your child?  Here are some simple ways to make some worthwhile changes.

Adopt techo-free times to connect with your child.  Start by making your infant’s feeding time a no-phone zone, or play time with your preschooler  TV-free, or take a radio-free car ride with your teen.

Make it a family goal to become unplugged.  You don’t have to toss the TV or pitch the phone, instead swap out some time by choosing family friendly activities that don’t involve technology.

Small changes make a big difference.  And while technology is here to stay, it’s up to you how it fits into family life.  Just know that it does affect development in children.  Be aware, because only then can you choose to change.

Think you know how to teach kids to problem solve?  Take this quiz, then watch me tackle these sticky situations on Boston’s Fox Morning news.

#1) Every time your daughter goes out to play in the neighborhood, she comes home crying, saying the other girls won’t include her.  You…

1. Call the girls’ mothers
2. Tell your daughter: “You don’t need them anyway.”
3. Role play skills for how to join kids in play

#2) You and your son have homework battles every day.  You…

1. End up doing the homework for him because you can’t stand the stress
2. Come up with a clear homework plan, and if it doesn’t work after a week, meet with his teacher
3. Tell your son: “You’ll never get into college if you don’t start getting serious about school.”

#3) Your children fight constantly.  One child acts like a bully and the other a victim.  You…

1. Out of conflict– teach the children skills for getting along
2. Punish the child you see as the bully
3. Punish them both since it takes two to tango

A Q and A about self-image

Question:

My twelve-year-old is obsessed with how she looks.  She’s always begging to go shopping at the mall and she takes my fashion magazines to her room the minute they come in the mail.  Last night, she refused to go out with her friends, after coming completely unglued, because no matter what she did with her hair, she “couldn’t get it to look right.”  How do I get my daughter to understand that she’s beautiful without the right hair, make-up, and clothing? Is it normal for girls her age to be this focused on looks, or should I be worried things are about to get much worse?

Answer:

Remember when your daughter would eat a bowl of spaghetti, and without an ounce of self-consciousness get down from the table to go play, wearing a stain on her shirt and food on her face?  Between the ages of ten and thirteen–usually the later side of the range for boys–the pendulum on self-awareness takes a wide swing.  From oblivious to overly critical, it’s common for a young teen your daughter’s age to be hyper-focused on how she looks and feels, especially around friends.

While this is partly the result of healthy development, it’s also a by-product of an over-the-top popular culture,with a heavy emphasis on selling beauty. You can’t just go out and buy a pair of jeans, you have to sign on to be a Maxinista.  Athletic wear is Juicy Couture and the cool kids are the Gossip Girls.

While becoming self-aware is be a good thing, you’re right to be concerned that she’s getting some wrong messages.  It’s time for you to examine the example you’re setting.  Do you pore over fashion mags regularly?  Make negative comments about your own appearance?  Or worse, hers?  What you say and what you do have a huge impact on your daughter’s emerging self-image.

Start by taking a look at your behavior, then look at the images and role models around your girl.  What’s your daughter watching on TV or spending time doing online?  If she’s attracted only to top models and movie stars, you better get talking.  You’ll need to make this an ongoing conversation–not a lecture.  And if you’re going to combat the negative influences that seem to have your daughter in their clutches, you’ll need to set limits on time spent with magazines at the mall.

My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was a sophomore in high school.  He went on a business trip with my mother and only she returned from New Orleans.  This event disrupted our family in unimaginable ways. Each of us continues to grieve  the painful loss to this day.  And until my mother passed away in 2000, twenty-five years after my father, she was never the same.

In the years since my father’s death, I’ve laughed often and loved much, but I’ve been forever changed too.  I understand the woman who panics when her husband is twenty minutes late coming home from work.  I know what it feels like to be gripped by fear at the sound of a phone ringing in the middle of the night.  I’ve been known to let what ifs get the better of me.

Last week my brother sent me this article by Jeffrey Zaslow, who coauthored the tender collection of essays by Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture.  I wasn’t half way through reading Families with a Missing Piece: How a Parent’s Early Death Can Reverberate Decades Later when I thought, this is why I write.

I began writing fiction at forty, after my mother’s death stirred up my fear of loss, the stabbing pain of it.  Somehow writing to the heart of a story about a grieving woman and a lonely child gave me the chance to sort through things long buried, and to offer hope to others who may be afraid.  It became my attempt to comfort those who know loss intimately as I do.

Whatever you call it, a hole, the missing piece, my soul wound, I accept–even embrace–my need to continually make sense of it.  The  stories I write, each unique in their way, highlight aspects of grief that are universal.  While every person’s journey toward healing is deeply personal, we’re all tied to each other in the collective experience of it.  At some point everyone will make its acquaintance.  For those who do, I have a story for you.